Sorta’Poem: Don’t Feel Like Living

It’s not like I want to die,

I just don’t feel like living anymore.

There wasn’t a particular person or event that weakened my spirit,

Bringing me to this mental state of constant suffering.

If I were to be totally honest,

My circumstances are no worse than

what might be considered an average existence.

I’m just tired.

Tired of surviving instead of feeling alive.

I don’t feel like living anymore.

The mirror no longer reflects an image

Of a person I recognize

Or a person I want to know.

With decades of dreams ripped from my grasp,

and hopes piled high in the wasteland,

It’s pointless for me to wish for a new life.

Why should I believe it would be different this time?

Instead, I’ve become the wasteland.

I’ve become pointlessness.

I’ve become what my dreams became.

I don’t feel like living anymore.

“Why bother,” I think to myself?

At this age, the runway I have left to launch a new career

Doesn’t have the distance needed for me to get off the ground.

I’ve sacrificed my whole life to users and employers

Who only viewed me as a replaceable pawn.

And I avoided spending the little money I earned

On things like adventures and memories

With the hope I’d one day be able to afford the life of my dreams.

But here we are,

And that sacrifice of memories and saving of money

Turned out to be a foolish plan.

It wasn’t enough.

I still can’t buy myself out of the pain I feel.

The pain I’ve become.

I don’t feel like living anymore.

I hate that money has so much power over me.

Where would I be if money didn’t hold so much weight?

What if basics needs were free,

And uncovering my passions the only concern?

What if I had a life partner to support me

Or raised children who could distract me with their love?

What if I had found a purpose that drove me with enough force

To push me through the darkest hours of doubt?

What if I had built a network of friendships,

Weaving a net for me to fall into?

Instead, I embodied fear and became afraid,

Focused on supporting myself financially

And surviving in a world that doesn’t value

What an average human has to offer.

I don’t want to die,

But I don’t want to live anymore either.

There’s too much pain attached to hopelessness.

Too much pain attached to a dreamless life.

Is there a place where someone like me can go?

A place where I can be my average, valueless self

And still find a sense of worth?

I want to live.

I just don’t want to live my current life.