Life Map (A Road Trip): Reinventing Myself

Life is a highway… and I’ve been driving it all night and all day long for nearly 50 years. In fact, it wasn’t until about a week ago I even realized I was on a road trip. Yep, that’s right. Apparently I’m taking the trip of a lifetime without my “Life Map” in hand.

Is this why I currently have no idea where I am or where I’m going? Is this why I feel so lost?

Whatever the case may be, I’m a sucker for “signs” or coincidences that are just too–how shall we say–coincidental to be ignored. That’s why when I saw an ad on Facebook for a podcast about self-reinvention, I knew it was something I couldn’t ignore.

Signs – Loud And Clear

In July, I uploaded my Mixtape Escape Journal to Amazon.com, mostly so I could order myself a copy. In any case, there are guidelines at the beginning of the journal with ideas to make the journaling experience more fun.

One idea was to designate the “Rubik’s Cube Boxes” in the journal as a place to get questions, concerns and puzzling obstacles out of your head and into the tangible world.

The following is an excerpt from the Mixtape Escape Journal’s guidelines section:

“Sometimes seeing your questions written out on paper is enough to activate a special solution finder in your subconscious mind.

It’s amazing the things you start to notice when intentional focus is given to your internal puzzles. For example, you might notice stuff like:

• An article on social media linking you to the information you seek.
• OR… innocently eavesdropping on a conversation between two strangers, sparking the creative idea you needed.
• OR… finding wisdom in a song randomly playing on the radio.“

Having just written the above thoughts in my newly released journal on Amazon, it was impossible for me to ignore the article/ad that popped up in my Facebook feed a few weeks later, an ad for an Audible Original. The topic? Reinvent Your Life.

In any case, who cares if this Audible Original fell into my lap because of some sort of merchandising trickery conjured up by some brilliant coders at Facebook? All I’ve got to say about that is: the Universe, God, your Higher Self, or whatever it is you believe in will use whatever tools are available in this world to make miracles happen in your life.

I mean, even super smart people know this to be true…

“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein

Mel’s Life Map, The Ultimate Road Trip

Mel Robbins uses a road trip metaphor to illustrate to her listeners what self-reinvention looks/feels like. Birthdays are sort of like mile markers on the map. Knowing your age and where that spot is located on your road trip route helps bring some perspective to where you’ve been and where you’re going. In other words, you have to know where you are in life so you can get to your next destination.

Here’s the thing: I’ve never known my position on the map. In fact, I never knew about the life map. I’ve just been driving around aimlessly hoping to find some cool roadside attractions to stop at along the way. Heck, I’ve been such a dumb-dumb so far on my life’s road trip, I’ve even picked up a couple metaphorical hitchhikers, crossing my fingers like a fool hoping I’m not diced up and put in a jar because of it.

At almost 50 years old, I need a plan that’s better than no plan. So naturally–like an absolute nerd–I constructed a physical Life Map to help guide me for the remainder of my ultimate road trip journey. By connecting the dots in my past, it showed me where I’d been. What remained was an open area on the map, allowing space for me to imagine the kind of destinations I wanted to aim for in the future.

Let’s just say Mel Robbins’ metaphor about life being like a road trip resonated with me. Because I’ve taken several solo road trips in the past, I’ve become an excellent travel planner. In fact, my planning skills typically result in unforgettable experiences. That being said: here I sit–half a century into my life–and I’m still waiting for a life I love to begin.

Glancing at my life’s map (pictured above), I was disappointed to discover the lack of adventure along the route. It’s as though I raced from one societal milestone to the next: Graduation. Career. Home purchase. Wedding. Divorce. Midlife crisis. Mental breakdown. Etc.

What’s even worse is that many of the memories on my path were heavily weighted with negativity. It would seem–in my personal experience–the stretches of my journey with the least amount of planning lead to the most tearful and disappointing destinations.

No, duh. I get it. It just hit differently to see it on a map.

Elementary school is where I first encountered obstacles hot enough to burn scars into my soul. Kids can be cruel. Unfortunately, my childhood experiences in elementary school are not unique, they’re just relatable for many. That being said, 40 years later I can still remember some of those hurtful moments like they happened yesterday. They will likely be the topics of future blog posts and future mental healing.

Naturally, I’ll write more about this vulnerable and influential time in the future. However, it’s important to repeat myself once more by saying, “At least I had a smidge of planned direction during this period in my life.”

Life may have sucked royally at times in the late 80’s and early 90’s, but college plans gave me just enough direction to make it out safely on the other side of the high school chaos. This “smidge of planning” is something I’d lack later on in my life resulting in a horrible era known as my Throw It To The Wind Years.

As if things couldn’t get worse, we (USA) were hit with the most incomprehensible horror. Look closely at the map above. You’ll notice a “9-11” on the border of Desperation Desert. Yep. That’s September 11th, 2001. Passenger planes were turned into weapons and thousands of innocent lives were gone in an instant.

I cried myself to sleep for weeks during that time feeling absolutely helpless and haunted by the images I saw on TV. “Life as I know it could be over in an instant,” I thought. “What can I do to make the world a safer and better place?”

Words suddenly popped in my head that weren’t there moments before. “Live and love fully, little one. Go after your dreams in honor of those who can’t (911 victims).”

I got up that next morning and ran straight for the “Turn It Around Tunnel.” I had dreams (lose weight, buy a home, get married), and damn it, I was going to make them happen.

And then the foundation of my life started sliding off a cliff.

The Redmond Rivers Backslide: An Unfortunate Life Map Journey

Divorced. Obese. Childless. Severe depression and anxiety. Barely bobbing above financial waters. This is what happens when you do tons of work on your outer experience while ignoring the breaks and fractures on your inner world.

Truthfully, I thought my inner self would heal when my outer self began to feel/appear stronger. It seems inner healing doesn’t happen this way. Granted, strengthening the outer aspects of who you are may provide some needed motivation for inner healing, but a Band-Aid on the knee can’t fix a heart that’s been ripped apart from the inside.

The Throw It To The Wind Years

Since getting divorced at age 34, I haven’t really had a plan for my life. To be honest, I haven’t had dreams either. If someone were to ask me what my biggest dreams are, my genuine answer would be, “I don’t know.”

Heck, if someone simply asked me what my current realistic goal is, my answer would be the same. I just don’t have hopes, dreams and goals anymore. Even if I was guaranteed 100% success on whatever dream I chose, I still wouldn’t have an answer.

The most I’m capable of at this time is finding tokens of goodness in the life unfolding around me. I may be directionless, but I try to be present… at least 10% of the time. This, of course, is a wonderful approach to life. However, is it enough?

Can the next destination on my Life Map always be an unknown? A grab bag? A chef’s surprise?

One might argue everyone’s next destination is unknown. That would be true. However, in a way it’s also untrue. A person with hopes and dreams is a person MOVING in a direction with purpose and aliveness. People moving with a mission are setting themselves up to be “in range for success.” Therefore, their next destination is technically both equally known and unknown.

What do I mean by this? A simplified example…

If you want to pet a cow, it makes sense to move yourself closer to a farm. Granted, when you arrive at the farm it’s not guaranteed you’ll get to pet a cow, but your chances of having that experience is a heck of a lot better than if you never left your home in the city.

I’m the dreamless person who never leaves her home. While my next destination is unknown, it’s also limited to the emptiness I surround myself with.

Get Up And Start Moo’ving Through Your Life Map

I can hear all the people in the back row yelling, “Just get up and start moving! Get out there and do stuff until you find something you’re passionate about!”

I’ve done this and I probably have some brain damage because of it. Case in point…

Life after divorce was hard. I could deal with the fact it was best to no longer be with the man I married. What I couldn’t deal with was the sudden inability to trust my own judgement. I’d been 100% positive our marriage and love would last forever. When it didn’t, I became 100% positive I could never trust my feelings.

Not being able to trust my feelings broke me. As a result, I started engaging in activities where I could escape from feeling my feelings altogether. I did this by putting myself in dangerous situations, like standing on the edge of racetracks as a photographer or getting punched in the face as a recreational boxer/MMA fighter at a professional fight gym. The latter is where I’m sure I collected a bit of brain damage due to the fact I was terrible at blocking punches.

In any case, inserting myself into dangerous situations allowed me to forget the past and future existed for awhile. If you’re not completely present and focused entirely in the moment while standing on the edge of a racetrack, you could die. If you’re not completely present and focused entirely in the moment while opposite someone training to be the next UFC hopeful, you get punched in the face.

Mama Subconscious Starts Plotting The Route On The Life Map

Eventually, my subconscious mind took over–like a mama bear protecting her fragile cub.

When the handful of dates after divorce caused nothing but heartache, my Mama Subconscious took care of it. She added 100 pounds to my tiny frame as if it were a protective wall around a fortress.

Now, at 240 pounds, complete rejection from the entire dating pool is no longer a worry of mine. I can handle being rejected and overlooked from potential mates due to obesity. What I couldn’t handle was being heartbroken and rejected for being authentically me.

Mama Subconscious also stepped in when I started worrying about having regrets for the choices I’ve made in life. I have a feeling this is why I’m unable to picture new dreams for my future. Why add more dreams to an already long list of hopes beyond my reach?

Instead, I force myself to find ways to be passionate about what I’m currently doing in life. I suppose Mama Subconscious’ logic is: You may not have a life you want, but you might be able to learn to want what you have. I’m not going to lie. There’s definitely some truth in this logic. However, it does make me wonder why I spent so much time hovering around Falling Apart Falls (location on my Life Map) while adhering to this advice.

Shit Hit The Fan… Like… Literally

Where am I at currently?

In a nutshell, a sewage backup evacuated me from my condo for several months, forcing me to quit my teaching job (where I had seniority) and move an hour north to live with my elderly parents in their basement.

As “luck” would have it, school districts are cutting hundreds of teaching and support staff jobs this year due to budget issues, making it nearly impossible to find work in my field.

I’m almost 50.

Single and childless.

Obese and struggling mentally (hello menopause!).

Homeless and hopeless.

Unable to support myself financially.

I’m attempting to start over in a place with no friends, no social networks and no connections.

I’m terrified of dying alone.

It’s a big nutshell I’m in, a nutshell I’ll be spending the next several month exploring ways to crack myself out of.

She’ll Be Coming Around The Mountain When She’s 50’Something

Financial Health:

Financial Health will be put on hold for a year. This will allow me to cut back my schedule at work to 10-12 hours a week so I can invest more heavily in other life areas.

Parent Health:

I don’t know how much time I have left with my parents, so I want to love and learn from them as much as I can. That’s why building a relationship with my parents, aka Parent Health, is so important to me. You can’t save time for the ones you love in the future. The time is NOW.

Weight Health:

240 pounds on a 5’3″ frame is too much. My body needs more respect. Healthier foods and a movement plan should help with Weight Health.

Exercise Health:

Must. Move. More. Exercise Health for the win!

Medical Health:

It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve seen a doctor. Am I going through menopause? Do I have diabetes (popular in my family)? Something else? Again, out of respect for my body, I’ll be investing in Medical Health.

Mental Health:

Depression and anxiety have gone unchecked for far too long. Mental Health matters. Time to talk it out with a therapist and get my inner chemistry back in balance.

Social Health:

They say having meaningful friendships is one of the biggest “medicines” you can give yourself. Therefore, building connections and Social Health will also be part of my healing process.

Home Health:

I’m currently in a basement. However, that doesn’t mean Home Health can be ignored. Time to make my surroundings (home, car, work, etc.) a place that feels like my own little oasis.

Creative Health:

Writing. Painting. Photoshop. Photography. Crafts. All the creative things for Creative Health.

Romantic Love Health:

I’ll fall in love with me first before focusing on Romantic Love Health. However, I’ll crack my heart open a smidge and consider the possibility of falling in love with someone wonderful.

Dream Health:

Writing this blog post was the beginning of Dream Health for me. I’ll dream bigger as time goes on, but for now… I HAVE BLOG AND HEALTH DREAMS!

Join Me On My Life Map Adventure

I’d love it if we could travel around the mountain together. Be part of my social health goals by following this blog and finding me on Instagram.

I want to hear about your Life Map goals and adventures. This girl is open to any tips and tricks you may have to make reaching that 50 marker something to dream about!